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Monthly Archives: January 2014

Feel the fear and … just feel the fear …

building the new 2I trained on Monday, and I wasn’t feeling great. Then I didn’t train until today because I wasn’t feeling great. Today I wasn’t feeling great either, but I trained.

I think I might be coming to the end of my ability to do Crossfit.

Having a slight temperature does weird stuff to my neurological processing. This week I’ve knocked over two cups of coffee and dropped a plate. I’ve fallen over three times, twice when I was simply standing still, doing nothing. That suggested that training was a bad idea – people how can’t stand on their own feet shouldn’t be throwing heavy weight around.

Other weird stuff happens too. Synaesthesia. I always have synaesthesia, but usually I can override it. But if I’m ill, I can’t. That’s not fun when you get to your sixteenth deadlift and you start counting in colours (seventeen is beige, eighteen is powder blue etc) and smelling sounds. Stress makes synaesthesia worse and being crap at Crossfit is stressful for me.

The new box is often stressful. Loads of new members, all of whom zoom past me in their performance and capacities. Loads of new kit that scares me stupid (ropes – I can’t work out where my arms and legs on a good day; the idea of trying to climb a rope without feedback from the ground is terrifying). A lot more noise (see synaesthesia – not always fun).

So I’ve really struggled to cope with my ability/inability to train this week. I spoke to a couple of people about it and I’m no clearer about whether I have the motivation to keep going. The person I didn’t ask, but happened to be passing the conversation and said I should think about Michael Schumacher and how much he’d love to be in my position can eat my hat (that’s me being polite btw). I have thought a lot about Michael Schumacher this week, but I don’t see why one skull-fractured individual should have to consider the wants and needs of another when making a difficult decision about a demanding training regime.

I seem to come back to this point every few months – struggling to find the motivation to keep going – and this time I am wondering whether there’s enough plus to balance out the minus. It’s starting to feel old.

So I think I’m going to give it another week but if I still feel the same then as I do now, I’m probably going to say goodbye to Crossfit.

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